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The unlikely prophet

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jbelmont

California
3106 Posts

Posted - 01/28/2022 : 8:16:27 PM

There once was a prophet named Yermiahu. Not the famous one in the bible but another more modern one. But, he was the worst prophet in history. Almost everything he predicted was wrong, but through a chaotic series of errors, miracles happened.

His first prediction was that spiritual truth would be found at the University. But, all people found there were leftist professors who brainwashed them. But, their frustration with the atheists drove them to their local spiritual institutions and brought them even closer to God. A failed prediction led to a spiritual victory. Who would have thought?

His next prediction was that spiritual thunder would happen in 2020, but it didn't happen until 2022, so he gained a reputation of having lousy timing.

He made several dozen other predictions that were all wrong, but that led to extremely positive results which is the only way the public didn't strip him of his title as prophet, but instead named him, "The unlikely prophet."

He was asked where they could find the Messiah. He told them that the Messiah was in China learning Shao-Lin which turned out to be false. The truth was that the Messiah actually did go to China, but to clean up some bad spiritual vibrations and was long gone.

His last prediction was that eating Cantonese roasted duck or "Shao Ya" as they call it would be good for kidney strength. Nobody had heard of this before, but the theory was confirmed by several prominent local acupuncturists and herbalists, so a group of spiritual followers went to Chung's Palace for some duck.

At the restaurant, they met a guy with disheveled hair who looked like a slouch who was eating one of their more popular dishes. He looked like the type of guy that Israelis call a "Shlomo." You know, a typical guy whose pants hang low (who typically pulls a plumber as they say), and hair uncombed, who lacks certain social graces, but is often deep in thought.

So, the spiritual followers, and there were five, were enjoying the duck. It was juicy, tasty, and with overtones of honey and plum in the sauce. They shares a huge bowl of rice and some green beans with the duck too, just for the record. And one of them asked himself out loud, "WHAT IS THE SECRET TO THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE?"

The Shlomo type guy at the next table said, "Beijing Beef."

Jack, the spiritual follower who had uttered the question said, "That's crazy!"

Then the Shlomo type guy said, "This Beijing Beef is so good, I would go to hell for it. But, not for eternity, just for twenty minutes or so. I can take the heat, and besides... it's a dry heat." Some parts of hell are not that bad anyway.

JACK: How many parts of hell are there?

SHLOMO: There are 7 levels in heaven, 11 of purgatory and 10 in hell according to angelic beings.

JACK: Wow, you just unlocked one of the secret mysteries to the universe.

SCHLOMO: And HOW did we get on this topic?

JACK: I have no idea.

SHLOMO: It happened the minute we discussed Beijing Beef. Once again, the secret to the universe lies in Beijing Beef. It has mystical properties.

---------------

Later that evening, a Southern Chinese couple (The Hips) came in to eat duck, but heard about the mysterious properties of the Beijing Beef and decided to try some. But, they were skeptical. They thought it wouldn't work, but they gave it a try. They ordered the beef, ate it, and nothing happened as expected. So, they left with the -- see, I told you so type of attitude. Then, in the parking lot an older woman got dizzy and fell to the ground. Everybody else ignored this woman. But, the Hips decided to call 911 immediately. The emergency crew came immediately and thanked the Hips for their promptness and honesty handling the situation. The Hips referenced the Shakira song lyrics that "hips don't lie" and attributed their honesty to their name. But, they said their neighbors, "The Shins" back in China were not as good in that department. After the incident an angel came down and announce that their spiritual level had been raised half a notch because of their good deed. Mr. Hip said, "Wow, we just unlocked one of the secrets to the universe, but how did that happen?" Then Mrs. Hip reminded him it was because of -- once again -- THE BEIJING BEEF.

---------------

The next day, a third person named Sam said that he was looking for the Messiah. The unlikely prophet Yermiahu referred him to go to Thai Delight on Robertson. Sam diligently went to Thai delight only to find that they not only had bad reviews, but were closed. So, he looked at the places next door, and found that Chung's Palace was open. Sam gazed at the menu and didn't know what to order. He asked the guy at the next table what he recommended. Once again, he was told that the Beijing Beef had mystical properties and was definitely worth it. But, Sam wanted to know if the Beijing Beef would help him find the messiah. The guy at the next table assured him that it would. He was the same Shlomo type guy who was there when the five spiritual aspirants including Jack was there.

So, Sam ordered the Beijing Beef, ate it, and then nothing happened. Sam felt disillusioned and a bit put off with the guy at the next table who gave him the bum tip. He paid his bill, and was about to leave. But, then something happened. The Shlomo looking guy was about to walk out the door and then... Sam felt the heavens open up, he heard choral music from heaven, and felt divine grace like he had never felt before. Sam immediately ran out into the parking lot and asked the Shlomo looking guy if he was the Messiah. The Shlomo looking guy said, "The answer will come from within."

SAM: Wow I found the Messiah, but how was this even possible. I was given a bum tip, told to go to the wrong restaurant, and even told to eat the wrong dish. Yet through this unlikely series of errors, I found the Messiah and the key to enlightenment. But, how is this even possible, it makes no sense?

THE MESSIAH: It IS possible, and it DOES make sense. Do you know why?

SAM: No

THE MESSIAH: It is -- once again because of --- THE BEIJING BEEF

SAM: Wow!!!

THE MESSIAH: But, one more thing.

SAM: What?

THE MESSIAH: Don't eat the red things.... (pause) It wouldn't be kosher!!!

After this unlikely event, our unlikely Messiah dies, and goes to heaven for all his good deeds, but never again reincarnates as a prophet, because everything he predicted was in error. The End!!!

Hallelujah!!! Hallelujah! Hallelujah -- Halleluuuuuuu-------- jah!!!!!!!

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